happy birthday to me.

what a way to spend your 19th birthday. up to the elbows in junk and dust from over 20 years. i don't think anyone back home, or anyone who's not seen it can imagine the scale of the things we have to go through. it's completely overwhelming. 2 storeys of cartons and other junk piled ceiling high. there are cartons here that were shipped here from singapore when they, (i wasn't born yet), moved here. and that was when my brother was 9. he's 30 now. there are boxes from england, from when my grandparents died. boxes shipped from india, where he lived for a while. crockery like you wouldn't believe. a beautiful silver dining set that was one of my parents wedding presents. boxes of old carvings from bali. lamps that we had when they lived in penang. a japanese screen that was with my grandparents when they lived in korea. a huge wooden carved chest that was entrusted to sikhs during the world war, that was returned after the war to them. antiques and junk almost equally. not to mention that since we live basically out in the australian bush, we've got lizards, dead beetles in glasses, shed snakeskins amongst the books, and other lovely value adding extras.

this entry is going to be long and rambling. and disjointed. fair warning.

it's been a bit of a culture shock this time, as i didn't have time to adjust to australia, i usually have a week in brisbane to do that. straight up here, amongst the wasps, mosquitos, sandflies, monitor lizards, wallabies, snakes, and waking up to a goanna crunching along the ground outside. was reassured that this was a little one, a bigger one had eaten one of the chickens last week. are not staying at the house, i felt it was way too unsettling, it still smells like my dad, and his clothes are in the washing basket, and his notes and everything all over the desks. we're staying at windy ridge farm, a little bit up the freeway, with friends of the family. i'm NOT cut out for country life. i can do it, sure, have stayed in this house with no plumbing and no water during the dry season when the water tanks are empty. and i can do it again. but god i'd rather not.

we're going to have to demolish the house and sell the land. my brother and i would rather not, but we really don't have a choice to be honest. we're out in the bush, as aforementioned, and the house is practically unlivable. none of us will be forseeably living here for the next 10 years, my brother's quite happy down in brisbane, and i can't get aussie citizenship now anyway through my dad. which brings us to another problem. i'll prolly not be coming here for uni then, since it's unlikely i'll be granted permanent residence. the current project is finding out about how easy it is to migrate to canada, since my mum's quite set on it. we have family there of a sort apparently, though that didn't really surprise me, we have family everywhere. learnt this morning that some other friends actually lived out there for a while, and also in england and god knows where else. we seem to attract wanderers out here.

have been remembering all the fun times my dad and i had. trekking through lamington national park every year, luckily last year we finally found westray's grave, other years we'd always gotten lost. jumped across christmas creek with my brother and ian successfully, the previous year my dad had fallen in. *giggle* it was only then that i'd realised that he had had polio when he was younger, and it affected his balance very minorly. we'd had mud fights up in eungella while we were camping, assisted by bekki, my partner in crime and in many ways, almost my half sister. the mud fight was so bad that we had to go knock on the shopkeepers house door to ask her to sell us some shampoo because they were closed. he even had mud on his teeth! and potato in his hair from where i upended a pot of boiled potatoes on him when it looked like we were losing. a water fight up at the house, he was having a nap, and we got him to come out of his room, and simultaneously hit him with water. me from a hose down on the ground, aimed up at the verandah, and bekki from a huge bucket up next to him. we then got chased up and down and around the house, escaping through the french windows and locking ourselves in the van with the key we stole from his bag. *grin* he just stood outside pointing the hose at the van windows while we giggled inside.

decorating the end room and the verandah at christmas. we hammered tinsel to the ceiling, wrote with markers on the doors, made one of the blinds into an 'apple tree', hammered nails into the doors to hang beading on. wrapped tinsel all along all the banisters on the verandah. shot party poppers up amongst the fir tree outside to decorate it. and no matter what we did, and some of it was pretty outrageous, he never once got mad at us. he'd laugh it off, and it'd all be okay.

he was a traveller. he'd done europe many, many times. sailed up through indonesia, singapore, malaysia, the islands around singapore, sometimes with my mum and her sisters. we've got films of those. sailed to bombay once i believe, i remember seeing it on his old reel to reel films and slides. sailed up to the middle east as well once. had many many stories about those trips, and i'd mention something i wanted to see, or somewhere i wanted to go, and he'd have a story about it. had been there or had wanted to go there, either way he would know something about it. was an absolute mine of information. had a pilots licence, took me up flying once in mackay, in one of those little little planes. and i was actually flying it most of the time, and i was too short to really look out of the cockpit! told me that if this dial went below this mark, we'd crash. *laugh* completely freaked me out at that point. took me out sailing amongst the whitsunday islands, played with Tasha on Whitehaven Beach, one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. i got sunburned as i remember. *laugh* sat in the dinghy behind the boat with Tasha, and got completely soaked in the wake. went out in the dinghy while we were waiting for the night divers to come up, and their huge torch lit up the surface of the water. fell asleep there under the stars. was mad about his photography, brandon and i got him a little camera the year before last, and he was absolutely thrilled with it, always playing with it, and taking millions of photos. loved all his little toys and gadgets. went into IT, and kept in touch with us by ICQ.

the funeral and viewing of the body was on thursday. they did a good job, he looked very natural, and very peaceful. the flowers were gorgeous, australian wildflowers, which always look a bit alien. the ceremony was officiated over by Major Norman Beckett, of the Salvation Army. My grandfather was a commissioner in the SA, brandon says he can remember when they went to a service at the SA in Bowen once, and they all fell over themselves because there was an actual commissioner attending it. made him get up to do the sermon and all. His friends from Melbourne flew up, who'd been friends with him since Singapore and India all those years ago. People from Proserpine and Finch Hatton drove up to Townsville; Bekki, Chris and Elke, Toogie and Josephine, all long time friends. it was okay. the crematorium was about 20 km out of town, and very peaceful, up on a hill, surrounded by beautiful memorial gardens. we're taking the ashes back to singapore. i want to, and for the most part over here, what i say goes. none of us will be coming up here much anymore anyway, after all, the house is our last real link up here, and that will be going soon enough. it's very sad, but seriously, there's just nothing up here for any of us anymore.

there's no will. dad would never talk about dying, he liked to ignore the more unpleasant facets of life. so we have financial and legal matters to go through, and claims against the estate and things like that. we don't even know if he had a solicitor. my mum thinks it doubtful. it's going to be complicated, and we only have a week up here at the most.

thanks to everyone for their emails and icq msgs and sms's about my birthday, they're most appreciated. =)

jumped at 11:06 PM

standing at an internet terminal in the middle of brisbane domestic airport at the moment, with 11 min and 50 sec to go. my plane leaves in abt half an hour or so, a short flight thank goodness. been sleeping on a really uncomfortable chair in brisbane airport for the whole morning, my neck aches. in fact, i ache all over. it hasn't been a good day so far. *sigh*

was actually writing out a blog entry on the flight from KL to Singapore, and i reckon i might have the time to type it out now. hopefully. it might cut me off half way. *wince*

18th November 2002
8pm. Just left KLIA, (which was bloody cold), and am staring at my reflection in yet another MAS entertainment screen. It's not an ego boost. I look like a caricature of the little match girl, grayish, pallid skin, eyes and the circles under them seemingly taking up half my face, even my lips look gray, and with a blanket pulled up to my skin. And the woman sitting in front of me is pissing me off, shifting about so much my table keeps shaking. God knows what the fuck she's doing. Jeez. I'm being snarky about the whole thing to the only person available, my mum, which i'm allowed to do as long as i'm amusing about it and not whiney. haven't been snapped at yet, so i guess i'm doing okay. Feels weird to be flying with my mum, most of my flying in recent years has been solo or with friends, tis very strange to have my mum here to nag me for 12 straight hours.

On the flight from Singapore to KL, I got on the plane, fell asleep before we even moved, and only woke up when we landed in KL. Just stamp "seasoned flyer" on my forehead. Should've signed up for some MAS frequent flyer program, would probably be able to get a nice holiday somewhere by now.

I miss everyone, the next few weeks are going to be hellish. I refuse to start crying, because i don't know when or if it'll ever stop. There's this black hole within me at the moment, and it's growing and growing. I never knew i was such a good actress.

-------------------

There's one more entry, but i'm running outta time, and i need to catch my plane. More as and when i can get access.

jumped at 7:32 PM

right, i'm leaving for australia this afternoon for an indeterminate period, during which this blog will be updated as and when i get internet access. which should be as soon as i get back home. thanks to everyone who's messaged and emailed me, it's very much appreciated. :)

jumped at 3:56 PM