i wonder how many tears it'd take to fill a medium-sized lake. because i'm probably getting there. eyes are bloodshot, nose is red, face is blotchy, all in all i look like an extra from a horror movie. in addition to the long list of things down below, the one unconditionally good thing in my life is, well, diminished i guess. not completely gone, but still, it hurts. and it's worse knowing that i'm the one majorly responsible for it, and that i guess it was all my idea. i still don't see any other way forward except this, but that certainly doesn't help in dealing with the pain.

to him, I love you. if there's one thing that you remember, let it be that. i'm so very, very sorry for hurting you, us, not once but twice, and i hope you can forgive me for it. and if ever the situation changes to a point where there is a way forward, i hope we do get a chance to make a go of it. I miss you terribly, I know you know exactly how much, and I love you dearly.

jumped at 6:30 PM

*yaaaaaaawn* what a day.

got to the heeren at 7-ish, queued for a while then went to have breakfast. about 10am we found out that lime was only going to give away tickets to 80 people. *rolls eyes* which the overnighters amply provided for. so aida, jane and i upped sticks and left for hard rock cafe, leaving the rest to try their luck at the roadshow at HMV. something that was worrying me was that i hadn't really seen many people i knew at HMV, I mean, surely i wouldn't have lost touch so completely after just a year? but it turned out that practically everyone i knew was queuing up for the mosh pit auditions. i mean, i should've guessed. lol.

anyhow, the auditions were a lotta fun, seriously brilliant. they were giving out 2 types of tix, and all three of us got the type we wanted, the seating ones. hahaha. cos last years awards we were in the free standing area, and it was absolute torture by the end of the night. so we're going to be seated amongst the stars, which'll be moderately exciting. *grin* no bags allowed though, cos of very tight security, but i guess we'll be able to survive somehow. :p it also means we don't have to queue for the awards as well. perfect if you ask me, except well, the mosh pit would prolly have been more fun, but dancing as we did today for 3 hours would kill me. and my feet. *grin*

jumped at 12:49 AM

oh dear. *grin* i'm being slowly sucked back into the world of bandchasing. lime is giving out tickets to the mtvasia awards tomorrow at the heeren at 2pm, and i'm meeting dee and amy at 7am! *sigh* i haven't done something like this in almost a year and a half now, i just feel old. *sparkle* the problem is, the mosh pit auditions (so called mosh pit at any rate) are at 2pm as well, at hard rock cafe, on the other end of orchard rd. *ponder* figured i'll see how i feel tomorrow, no point giving up a definite standing ticket for going to the audition and maybe getting the mosh pit one right? right. *nod me* we'll see how it goes. apparently there are some fans queuing up there already, overnighters. they're insane. even at the height of my bandchasing craze i never stayed overnight at HMV. the airport yes, but that was different. :p i bet they're mostly F4 fans. *smirk*

not to mention i wouldn't mind seeing utt at the mtv roadshow at heeren tomorrow. *sparkle*

now, the trials of deciding what to wear. :p

jumped at 9:12 AM

arrrrrrrrrrgh!
excuse me while i go into long rant about how miserable my life is.

1. Am unable to immigrate into australia under any category other than skilled worker stream. no matter that my father was an australian cit. no matter that i lived there for the first 7 years of my life and am an ex-PR. no matter that my brother and other assorted family members still live there. *snort* pathetic system.

2. Due to 1, i will have to enter the university of queensland as an international student. do not pass go, do not collect $200. or any money at all basically. which means that i'll be paying $18000 worth of school fees instead of about $5000.

3. which means i can't do honours because even if i qualify i won't have the cash to.

4. which in turn means that i will be most probably unable to do my PhD or my masters by research unless i am tremendously lucky.

5. also, will not be able to enter UQ in the July intake because i have to work for a while to try and save up a little bit of cash so i can afford to get my arse over there in the first place.

6. am unable to even consider any university besides UQ because that's the only good uni in the city my brother lives in, so i can save on living expenses.

7. am unable to get a scholarship because everything is geared towards fucking A level students. (*cough* meaning no disrespect to aforementioned A level students, such as my best friend, who would most likely come over and kidnap my dog or something equally horrible *cough*) any and all articles i found pertaining to scholarships in singapore all refer to instances such as, "after your prelims" and "when your A level results come out". with NO reference to diploma holders at all. snotty little bastards.

8. the person that likes to refer to herself as my mother has been getting on my back about getting a scholarship when it is PATENTLY out of the question, as they are very unlikely to consider poly results as being on par with the 4 distinctions and 2 S papers they require of A level students. but noooo, apparently i'm supposed to try anyway. like i have the time! wishful thinking should only go -so- far.

9. my final year project. ARGH. we're getting no results, even when we do get results they're weird, we've run out of DNA and those idiots over in the states have yet to send us the bacteria we ordered 3.5 MONTHS ago, have only one set of clinical samples, most of which do not contain enough DNA to work properly or produce aforementioned weird results, we've no -time- to do it at all really, have to fight with 1st and 2nd year students who're having practicals for equipment in the lab, have run out of Taq and dNTP and MgCl2, and to top it all off, i still don't really have a clue what's going on, and our first draft is due on the 17th of January. ooh how fun. excuse me while i go gut myself with a dull breadknife.

10. also to do with the project is the endless work. normally if you have homework, you finish it and you're done. with this the moment you finish something there's something else that needs to be made, done, run, checked, read, written or discussed. absolutely neverending.

11. school. it's started. what more can i say? no good subjects so far this year. out of the 3 i've had lessons for : boredom, boredom, and propaganda.

12. headaches, headaches, headaches. am trying to lower my intake of panadol and ibuprofen, but seems to be impossible. get dizzy very easily lately as well.

13. am nearing emotional breakdown. is not good.

jumped at 5:50 AM

you know what? I've decided that there is perhaps nothing more infuriating than someone who you can't read. who revels in obscurity and to whom everything is a riddle. who likes to twist your emotions up and around in knots til you don't know whether you're coming or going. moreover, this is especially so when it's someone who you can't help but like, even though you know perfectly well that you're being manipulated and it's all just one big game to him. *sigh*

jumped at 5:38 PM