am remaining strong. *grin* just about. *whimper* came very close today to unblocking him on several occasions. wuss! *hangs head in shame* did get a different perspective on him from someone who ought to know though. his cousin. heh. though it was pretty much the same thing that everyone else has been telling me, i suppose it had a greater impact coming from someone who knows him far better. *sigh* rather depressing really, somewhat like the last nail in the coffin. was quite amusing at the time though, particularly when she told me that sometimes his ego is bigger than his brain. heh. talk abt craving something bad for you. the neverending allure of the bad boy persona. *sigh*
"What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?
I was na�ve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping..
And it hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from..
I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion
Now I've been licking my wounds
But the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce
but darling you hold me prisoner.." ~ walk away [christina aguilera]
a question that came up was, "What do you want out of this?" And if the answer was a relationship, well, he's a rather rocky foundation to build that particular hope on. or, as sarah said, it's simply lust. *sparkle* though she may have a point. *coughs innocently* but! the only real solution is to stop hoping, but then, it's difficult isn't it? emotions aren't logical after all. guess i'd need something really drastic before i would have a real turnaround towards him, and what with my penchant for just taking a lot of rubbish from the guys i fancy, it'd have to be really something. so, for the moment, i'm trying to just stick to my self-imposed reverse trip to coventry, and crossing my fingers that it'll all just go away soon. *sigh*
"like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire
my love is blind, can't you see my desire?" ~ that's the way love goes [janet jackson]
just got back from a stand up comedy night at milieu, tickets courtesy of a gutsy project partner of mine, who spent a good 5c sms-ing into power 98 for her, and eventually, our mutual entertainment. heh. thanks for bringing me dear! *beam* was incredibly funny. heh. bloody rude, but still, very, very funny. mostly caucasians though, singaporeans definitely were a minority. no cute ones though. *mock despairing sigh*
anyhow, we bumped into JX and shengkai, who're apparently working there. heh. was quite a surprise really, though i seem to remember them saying they were working at some bar somewhere. still, what were the odds of it being that one? lol. then left to meet kane at BK and chat for a bit. :) quite an enjoyable evening all round, time now to get down to work. *sigh* have so many things due it's ridiculous, i swear. and i haven't started on anything yet! and have only studied for the proteomics common test, which is good, considering it's on monday. haven't even looked at hybridoma yet, i hope i even have all the notes. *cringes* *sigh* and our project report 1st draft is due next week, though our supervisor wanted it weeks ago, and we haven't started on that yet, neither have we got the papers we need for the LSSS report we have to do, probably on neurobiology. bah! need to get down to work, and what have i been doing? sitting in the NP library studying a bit, then painting my nails. heh. (on a side note, they're now rather fetchingly half black and half white *looks proud of herself*) need to wooooooork. *cry*
"You want a guy who gazes into your eyes as though he's seeing stars for the first time, who calls you because he really is thinking about you, who wants to hold your hand and hear your thoughts, and not just get in your pants (or get home in time to watch the Jets game). Sometimes it seems as if they discontinued that model after 1946 or, if you believe the Meg Ryan flick "Kate and Leopold", somewhere in the 18th century. But scientists have some reassuring news.
Apparently, when the world's top researchers finished mapping out the human genome last year, they found firm DNA evidence that true romance still exists. However, it is a rare trait, and in most males of the species it's somewhat impaired, according to a report in the New England Journal of Chromosomal Abnormalities. But don't despair. Gene therapy, which is now being used to cure a startling number of inherited disorders, will soon be available. Men who previously showed all the chivalrous potential of an Indy 500 car mechanic will be transformed into Gregory Peck and Matt Damon on an Emily Post high (or, at least, they'll be able to dial the phone)."
oh i wish. heh. however, i don't think i've heard this mentioned in any of my classes that have things to do with gene therapy. still, one can always hope. heh. am attempting to get over him. with the aid of my good friend and project partner, *drumroll* sarah, who has to sometimes resort to threats and physical violence to stop me from msging him. *meep* and who keeps reminding me what a weak, wussy sucker i'd have to be to give him some thought after everything he's done (guilty, again. meep.) am trying the cold turkey method. heh. blocked him on msn, and am not supposed to message him or call him or anything. so, obviously, we bump into him today while leaving campus. BUGGER. *grin* oh well. trying to listen to angry, angsty songs to give me moral support. heh. however vicariously i feel it at that point though, it never lasts. eek. wuss, i'm a wuss! a pansy, and my name is nancy. *sniffle*
*laugh* anyhow, another of sarah's suggestions was to write down a whole list of his pros and cons. lemme see, i'm at 53 cons and 18 pros so far. slightly outweighed no? *sparkle* thing is, all this trying to get me mad at him enough to stop bothering isn't working. maybe cos well, he's not doing it to be nasty, (or if he is, i don't know it for sure), so i'm quite willing to take it. gah. pah. bah! and furthermore... *hunts for another consonant* ah nvm, everything else sounds weird. heh. he's confused. problem is, so'm i. i can't help thinking that if we could just talk it all out it'd be much easier, however, he's too concerned with appearances and facades to consider that i think. ah well. this too, shall pass. just like all the rest so far. :)
a night long bout of crying until all you can do is curl up on your bed sobbing and keening while your dog sits on the floor staring, wondering why you're making such strange noises, is not a good way to spend the night before what is going to be a very long day. which of course explains why i'm awake at 6.30am instead of 8.45am, an awful taste in my mouth, feeling nauseous and kind of dizzy, eyeballs feeling like pieces of dried out leather, why my eyebags have eyebags, and why i'm looking like a creature of the living dead.
you'd think i'd know the consequences now of giving in to grief so completely, but noooo, had to go and prove it to myself once more. woke up because i had such an awful headache it was making my teeth hurt, and the panadol i took earlier hasn't taken effect yet. i feel utterly, and completely miserable. which is just wonderful, considering i have HT prac later, and we're meeting dr zaman to do some project work in the lab at 5pm. i just feel like crawling into a corner to die.
remember when i was in australia recently for my fathers funeral and such, there were 2 songs that i felt really applied to the situation. sat there tonight and listened to them both and just cried and cried and cried. i miss him.
i miss him so much.
In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top, will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to whoever
What's it like when you're shattered
[..]
To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to well who wouldn't do
With the role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down, reality came around And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces Leaving me to doubt
Talk about love and its mercy
For if it really does exist
Why does it desert me?
In my hour of need, I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally..
Seems to me that there are more hearts
Broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do, what do we do?
Looking back over the years
And whatever that appears
I remember I cried when my father died Never wishing to hide the tears
~alone again naturally [vonda shepard]
When I think back on these times,
And the dreams we left behind,
I'll be glad cause I was blessed to get,
To have you in my life
When I look back on these days,
I look and see your face,
You were right there for me.
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky,
In my heart there'll always be a place for you,
For all my life,
I'll keep a part of you with me,
And everywhere I am there you'll be,
and everywhere I am there you'll be,
Well you showed me how it feels,
To feel the sky within my reach,
And I always will remember all,
The strength you gave to me,
Your love made me make it through,
Ohh I owe so much to you,
You were right there for me.
Cause I always saw you in my light, my strength,
And I wanna thank you now for all the ways,
You were right there for me, you were right there for me
Always...
i'm sick. not really physically sick, though there's a slight element of that in it, but more sick of things. my life i suppose. it isn't that bad, but it's... unsatisfying at the moment. i'm disappointed, in him, in myself, for taking that attitude from him, for ignoring my studies, for lazing around when i have work to do, for refusing to get off my arse and help around the house (looks like my mums guilt tactics are working, heh), for failing some of my friends, for being a complete spendthrift, for not making the effort to help certain people, for not caring when i don't, for indulging in self pity like i am currently, when there are so many more things i should be doing. bah.
am wandering around talking baby talk to myself and to my dog. i think my dog's scared. heh. anyhow, calling me at this point would prolly be a bad idea. i just spent 5 minutes saying, gbwah, repeatedly to cath on the phone. and my mummy's off enjoying herself in m'sia, so i'm not getting pampered at all. (actually, if memory serves me correctly, she'd be telling me at this point, "Sick right? Still on the computer! Go and sleep lah!" but hey. i love my mummy. much more at a distance.) meh. i'm going to go do another round of my house. 'scuse us.
wandered into dr gandhi's office today and saw the whole stack of OVTP applications on her desk, so we got to talking about it. *grin* she was telling me that if it was this year i wouldn't qualify, because they were looking for students with a B average, generally good student and a good attitude. I think she was kidding. *grin* told her i didn't see any problem with that. haha. though kane was also included in that little assessment. *sparkle*
she did say that a lot fewer people applied this year because the subsidy was going to be quite drastically cut, and i was wondering if i was willing to pay about 10k for 4 months, which was what it cost me in total for the 4 mths in Edinburgh. heh. still haven't come up with an answer. one of the best times of my life, and one of the biggest instigators of emotional growth for me, (the other being my father's passing), but.. that kinda cash? eep. would make up half my university fees right there. then again, i suppose i could've cut down a LOT on my shopping. particularly during the london and paris trips. *ponder* ah well, moot point i suppose. she said that both flinders uni, kane's posting, and my posting were taking people this year. *grin* so i can't have been THAT bad after all. though i wouldn't be surprised if there were some rumblings about how much time i spent on the computer and slacking when the person gets there. *g* she indicated that two of the year 2's i know might be considered for edinburgh too, so i guess it means she already has some idea of who she's sending where. *smirk* and no, i'm not telling! *evil grin* anyhow, it's not anyone that knows my blog addy anyway. heh.
but yea, was sitting in delifrance at HV with sarah today studying.. and was looking at the pictures of the eiffel tower and the arc de triomphe on the walls, and reminiscing about the coupla days we had there, which were wonderful. =) even with the pickpocketing incident, the 8 to a room hostel with the door that the lock had been ripped out of, wondering what was happening with our luggage that we chained with a bike lock to the luggage area of a hostel in London (my laptop was in it, so i was bloody paranoid), there were loadsa good memories. like getting lost after midnight in paris' lower class redlight district (which was pretty freaky at the time, but memorable! haha), eating kebabs from a rather dubious store (which were actually pretty good, heh), trying to DRAG peiyi physically out of bed in the mornings after we'd spent all night sitting in the courtyard drinking the very cheap beer our hostel was famous throughout europe for. (direct quote: "*growl* lianne, you're naggier than my mother ah!" *smirk* i live but to please.) talking all night to ZQ in the bunk above me, speedwalking through the louvre, ("okay, that's the mona lisa done, got a photo without any jap tourists in? okay, next, the venus de milo!"), drooling over the stuff in galeries lafayette, not to mention the little chocolatiers everywhere. buying breakfast at a boulangerie down the street from our hostel every morning, they had the loveliest pain du chocolat there, *drools at the memory*, ah i could go on forever. heh. but i'll spare you guys. *grin*
wasn't all rosy, sometimes work sucked bigtime, and i got really, really homesick at times, cried myself to sleep loadsa times, and there was a point i was literally counting down the days til i could get back, but after a while, all that kinda fades away and all you remember are the good times. and in the long run, i guess the added maturity (yes, maturity related to me, you can stop staring at the screen in disbelief now *offended huff*) was worth it. *smile*
another reason to be thankful i went to catch the OR's performance, made sure i d/led the song they performed, another *cough* applicable one:
And I tried so hard just to figure him out
but he won't tell me what he's been thinkin' about
[..]
and then he disappears for a week at a time
and then he shows up, just like everything's fine and
I don't get what goes on in his mind
but I'm tired of hearing the same stupid lines
Why do you do what you do to me baby?
Shaking my confidence, driving me crazy! You know if I could I'd do anything for you
Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you
can't you just pretend to be nice?
could you at least pretend to be nice?
If you could just pretend to be nice?
then everything in my life would be alright.. ~pretend to be nice [josie & the pussycats]
what's up, lonely - kelly clarkson
too lost in you - sugababes
sometimes love just ain't enough - don henley & patty smyth
hole in the head - the sugababes
tonight the heartache's on me - dixie chicks
it's ok - atomic kitten
goodbye to you - michelle branch
conversation's over - the sugababes
i'll be okay - amanda marshall
