you know what i really hate? i hate being cancelled on. especially last minute cancellations. i've put aside a specific time for you, perhaps rejected other offers in order to spend time with you, and if you cancel on me, particularly on the day itself, i get very. pissed. off. and when it's the latest one in a long string of occurences? pissed doesn't even begin to describe my feelings at the moment. asshole. he'd better have a bloody good explanation for this.

UPDATE: he did have a reasonable explanation. whaddya know.. wonders will never cease.

jumped at 2:55 AM

i was on the phone til 5am with.. someone last night. and well, he seems sincere enough, really he does, but there's this niggling little sense of suspicion at the back of my mind (and sometimes predominating at the front), that refuses to allow me to believe him entirely, such that i'm not even willing to give him a designation on my blog, even if it would just be an initial, or an exceedingly glamourous him(insert number here) moniker. i'm not sure if this is healthy, or even if it's unhealthy, after all, taking care of my emotional wellbeing does come up trumps in a situation of this sort, where i tend to come over all self-sacrificing, which is most definitely not a wise thing to do with someone who has hurt you before and does hold the potential to hurt you again.

hmm.

wise or unwise? to quote the opinion of a friend of mine, who i trust and admire, if i'm going to give this unnamed person a chance, it has to be a wholehearted chance, not just paying lip service to that while having a nest of suspicions fermenting away at the back of my mind. if i have decided to take a risk, then a risk it must be. however, where does the line between a considered risk and a foolhardy one exist? testing the ground before you go forward is an exceedingly wise thing to do methinks, and i suppose that is how i shall proceed. who knows, he might actually get a proper designation on this blog one of these days.

jumped at 12:04 AM

from Girls Are Equal Too - Dale & Hannah Carlson:
"She has learned that the man is the center of all creation, certainly the magical center of a woman's life, and that without one, a woman is nothing. She has been told to pay no attention to the workings of politics, industry, the arts, sciences or the rest of the great big world out there (clearly men's business except for a few pushy women), because the greatest act of creativity is having a baby (her business). [..] She grows up believing that her only way to power and status is by serving a man, by making him dependent on her. He will take care of her, and she will share his status and his glory.

Her future? She will go on following him anywhere. Anywhere his company moves him, she will uproot her life and follow him, leaving friends, home, subordinating everything to his interests, his career. She will live in constant anxiety over whether he still loves her - she will diet, buy face creams and spend hours in beauty parlors. Having no life experience or thoughts of her own, she will know, as she gets older, that she bores him. She can turn to her children for comfort, but they will grow up and leave home. Her nest is empty, her marriage is empty. There is nothing left but her martyrdom, and her kitchen floor, both of which she shined up yesterday, shined up today and will shine up tomorrow."

a beautiful depiction of hell on earth. i refuse to allow anything of the sort to happen to myself.

i was speaking to a close guy friend recently, who told me quite honestly that he wanted a girl he could 'take care of', read: coddle, cosset and solve all her problems because obviously she's far too weak-minded to solve them herself. okay, maybe he didn't say the last bit, but he did say that he wanted to feel that she needed him to help her solve her problems. now, my question is, what of the day when you get sick of her? or you die? or find someone with a bigger chest and smaller brain? what on earth is she going to do, having been conditioned to leave all the decision making and problem solving to you instead of relying on her own two feet and not inconsiderable mental faculties?

jumped at 12:28 AM

whee! i got green coloured contacts! haha. payment for going spectacle shopping with my mother.

jumped at 11:43 PM

jumped at 9:07 AM