okay. so when you discover that your suspicions weren't unfounded, that in fact for once you weren't overreacting, how do you feel? vindicated? exonerated? or just plain awful? perhaps the question is more, do you even have a choice? and perhaps also, should you have seen it coming sooner?

things'd be much better if there was someone to blame.

jumped at 11:17 AM

and you know what? the worst thing is that i know i'm being melodramatic half the time, and i look in the mirror and grin to myself at how sublimely ridiculous i'm being, because really, the main thing i'm worrying about isn't worth the worry. but i still can't get it off my mind. s'quite annoying.

jumped at 11:14 PM

i feel like shite. absolute shite. and i don't even know why. it just seems that everything is wrong, all wrong. i feel alone, worried, entrapped, and at the same time without even the energy to care. definitely not the energy to try and drag myself out of this hole again. there's not even anyone i can talk to about it. i spoke to peiyi last night for an hour or so, which helped, but seriously, my long distance bill can't take the abuse. so i sit around, and mope. and worry about what i'm going to do next year, worry about money, worry about relationships and how i'm going to miss everyone when i leave, worry about whether i'm doing the right thing, whether i have the guts to start all over again in a strange country on my own, whether i can not do it, because this place is suffocating me. i need to get out, but at the same time i do want to stay here, and my opinion flip flops with such depressing regularity it's really starting to get to me.

perhaps a fresh start somewhere IS what i need. but peeling off the layers of self that that entails is going to be painful. refreshing perhaps, in the end, but the process is hardly going to be easy. but noone's going to do it for me, or help me while i do. i stopped relying on others a long time ago. i've been burnt by people who professed to be my friends far too many times. in the end, everyone's world revolves around themselves, i know mine does, but really, i just don't have the strength to play the game right now.

i want somewhere i can go, where i can curl up and not think about anything for a few days. shut off my brain, refuse to think anything but happy thoughts. but happy thoughts turn sad very easily nowadays, morphing from form to form with the utmost ease. seems the happier the thought, the closer its relationship to one that brings despair. and i can't get out. i will eventually, i know that much, this has after all happened before, but the process of getting out to the other side takes too fucking long. maybe going somewhere where noone knows me will be the thing that might help me most.

jumped at 11:10 PM

whee, quiz. *grin* been running the rounds on friendster lately. :)

Love

1. Are you in love? I don't know. :)

2. Do you have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend? nope

3. Are you dating anyone? yep

4. How long have you been seeing the person? i'm assuming this refers to the prev question. depends on which guy you're talking abt really. lol.

5. Ever been kissed? yes

6. Who was your first kiss? *laugh* Lee from Code Red. hahaha.

7. Who was the last person you kissed? er. rather not say. pass! (i'm allowed one, you know. lol.)

8. Are you a virgin? yerp.

9. Are you a flirt? erm. yes. haha.

10. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? erm. yes and no. it's complicated.

11. Have any of your boyfriend's ex-girlfriends/girlfriend's ex-boyfriends hated you? never had a boyfriend. *innocent flutter* lots of dates, no boyfriend. so no. heh. have any girls hated me because i was dating someone? yes. but it's not quite the same. :)

12. Ever cheated on someone? erm. yes. kind of. but it doesn't really count. it's complicated lah.

13. Ever been cheated on? nope. never had a relationship which i expected to be exclusive.

14. Do you think you're attractive? *points at imood* not currently, no.

15. Do a lot of members of the opposite sex have a crush on you/ask you out? define a lot! haha. yes. but i work in a pub. they're drunk. it's to be expected.

16. How many people are chasing you right now? *looks around nervously* none! i haven't done anything! haha. but seriously, how is one supposed to answer this? sounds so egotistic. a few. let's leave it at that.

17. Rate these in order of importance: Money, Intelligence, Sex, Confidence, Looks, Kindness

hmm. Intelligence, confidence, sex, looks, kindness, money. assuming kindness is generally speaking and not to do with how he treats me. and i do place a lot of importance on looks. i'm shallow. but i'm learning! no intelligence, no go.

Favourites

i deleted this whole bit cos it's nothing i've never done before

Who was the last person you:

hugged? Iris

kissed? again?!

spoke to on the phone? daryl

smsed? mel

chatted with? online? erm, jeez. daryl i guess. or dennis.

ate with? jane

missed? er. haha.

dated? same as the last person i kissed. lol. let a girl keep a few secrets. :p

talked to? dennis

took a photo with? jude

had a crush on? i can't.. remember. jeez. umm. it was a while ago. i don't really get crushes nowadays.

slapped? can't remember her name.. (no, i didn't use my nails. heh.)

cursed? my customers tonight. fucking 6 of them, some expats, and they argue abt who's going to pay the extra $1.68. for a very long time. and gave me shitloads of coins, including 3 1c coins, and they were STILL short. fucking assholes. just take out a fucking 2 dollar note and pay! jesus christ. so bloody cheapskate.

About the Opposite Sex

1. Long or short hair? long. haha, if they can carry it off. hair is important. *nods sagely*

2. What colour hair? preferably? blonde. *sparkle* or light brown.

3. What do you notice first? their eyes and hair.

4. What colour eyes? Blue! or hazel.

*pauses* and blah blah blah. boooooring. again, nothing i've never done before. sigh. need a non-standard test. going to sleep! nic's arriving tomorrow! yaaaaay! too bad it's only for one night again. *mutter*

jumped at 9:05 AM

this is definitely worth a read. I mean, every now and then i come across something like this, and i pause and think, do people really see us this way? Because, it just doesn't sound like the Singapore I know, phrased in that particular manner. But I guess from the outside it really does look that way, and god knows they have a point most times. but at the same time, this 'weird' country, is home, and i'm used to it, and hearing it described this way is in its own way very weird. *pauses* i'm getting incoherent again, and what i'm trying to say isn't coming out right.

i guess i'm not what you would call the average singaporean, but my friends, by and large, are, and from a very wide variety of.. socioeconomic groups, if you will. and though yes, i do tend to complain (at length) that it tends to be.. well.. boring here, it's not quite as antiseptic and generic and homogeneous as they tend to make out. but how does one try and see it from the tourists point of view? you come in, see changi airport, wander around orchard, various hawker centres, sentosa with its imported sand, the zoo, and your hotel room. maybe they expect asia to be dirty, noisy, the usual backpackers dream, if you will. (one is tempted to mention that if they want dirty, to check out the toilets in lucky plaza, and if they want noisy, try a bunch of aunties on a bus, each convinced that the other can't hear her unless she speaks at the very top of her lungs, with tvmobile blaring in the background.) whereas, as he said, we're more of the manchester of the east. with better weather and less gray. and a much worse football club.

several things i do heartily agree with, there isn't very much fashion difference here at all. and yes, everyone is pretty intent on fitting in with the rest of 'them', attitude wise, clothing wise, habit wise. and the occasional 'rebel' isn't really much of one anyway, the only reason they're considered rebellious is that they're compared against our very low standards.

i don't come from a particularly conventional chinese background, my extended family are quite as westernized as you can get, (try watching us prodding suspiciously at the various dishes in a ten course chinese dinner), but still, being different is frowned upon. first i left school at sec 3, went to poly when everyone else in my family took the JC route, started working at sec 2, rejected christianity in sec 4, (when all four grandparents were missionaries, mind you. lol.), and am currently working in a pub; all things which are genteely frowned upon, and usually remain unmentioned. maybe it's a chinese thing, our population is overwhelmingly chinese after all. you study hard, be guai, work hard, get married, have kids (screamy, bawly, unattractive kids mind), that you'll yell at and threaten and make sure they grow up to follow the exact same life pattern.

*pauses again* i'm talking through my hat here. methinks i shall stop.

jumped at 4:39 AM

*grumbles at her modem* bloody thing isn't mac-compatible, which means my poor baby can't get online. ahh, the heartbreak. lol. not really getting too worked up about it though, too tired. stayed over at daryl's place yesterday, and while he can apparently sleep for england, i didn't get half as much sleep. (though admittedly i spent a lot of time transferring his cd collection onto my lappy. heh.) so methinks i shall go nap for a bit, then wake up and start getting worked up about my lack of internet connection. =P

(oh, and i got my camera too. isn't it pretty?)

jumped at 12:35 AM